pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
