He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
operation have a gay friend backfired
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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