I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
