sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
