The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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