i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
