Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize