saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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