Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
