if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
