I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
