# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
