we're chasing vodka with high fives
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
