I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
