Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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