I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
