i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
so much tequila, so little girl.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
