Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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