Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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