I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
