I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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