just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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