i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
