You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
