i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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