im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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