so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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