That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
