Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
