need another drink. this is the easiest way
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
