im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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