paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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