Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just tell him i said nine months
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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