our cab driver is having phone sex.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Two words: nipple clamps
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