I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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