i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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