I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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