the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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