Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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