Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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