I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
