I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
