I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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