If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
