you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
