Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
