Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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