good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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