I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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