We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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