Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
