Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
