we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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