My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
