guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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