he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
