my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
